So far I have been joking and whining and exaggerating about my pregnancy experience. Truly it has been easy and free of actual complications, aside from slight anemia and thyroid monitoring. The only real problem is that the baby is still nestled comfortably in my rib cage. This is what the baby should be doing right now:
Heading toward the exit and kicking me in the ribs. Instead the baby is transverse:
(Medical images heisted from the WebMD website.) Which is kind of ironic because back when the baby was the size of a peanut, I never imagined him/her as a fluffy ball of cells, but rather like this:
As a hieroglyphic style adult standing across my abdomen. And now that I think of it, this is the exact position that Sukey wants to sleep in on our bed.
Like the crossbar on an "H" between us with her head in my ribs and her rump in Robb's.
The problem is that all transverse babies must be delivered by c-section. So I did some investigating, and there are exercises that I can do at home to encourage the baby to turn itself around. I will not entertain you with photos of me doing them, although I assure you Robb is getting more than a few laughs out of this. But here is an "artist's rendering" of a few. In the top sketch I would be holding my pelvis 9-12 inches off the floor for 5 minutes at a time. In the bottom one that's supposed to be kind of a chair-amplified downward dog yoga position. And if I had access to an indoor pool, I could do lots of handstands. (I bet I'm wickedly buoyant right now!) You get the idea: trick the baby into thinking that up is down and down is up.
Old wives suggest putting a bag of frozen peas at the top of my belly or a heating pad near the bottom, cold being repellent to fetuses and warm being attractive. Also Robb could sing or speak near my pelvis and perhaps shine a flashlight in that vicinity like a signal flare. We are taking the old wives suggestions with a grain of salt.
What we have decided to try on Monday, though, is external cephalic version or ECV. In short my obstetrician will use a sonogram and fetal monitor to make sure the procedure is safe to undertake, and then she will gently turn the baby with her hands into the correct position. (Here's a video.) There's no guarantee that baby won't simply turn back around afterward, but there is about a 60% success rate. I also realize that people have c-sections every day, and it shouldn't be a big deal. BUT. If there is anything I can try in order to avoid surgery, I'm going for it. So please wish us luck on Monday. Meanwhile I keep humming Disco Inferno but changing the chorus to, "I heard somebody say turn, baby, turn..."
At least that got me to stop singing the milkshake song while rubbing my belly.